What Makes You So Sure You Know What You Want?

December 11, 2008

My buddy Erica Orloff has a post today about The Accidental Writer. I posted a somewhat lengthy response and alluded to what I'm going to say today.

Erica talked about being a movie writer. That is to say, NOT writing for movies, but having the sort of life novelists seem to have in TV and movies. She cites "Cheaper by the Dozen" which I agree, is a total fantasy. She turns in the manuscript, they've got her doing a book tour a month later, etc.

"Finding Forrester" is another one, with a reclusive novelist having written one well-received book and never done another, and apparently over that 30 year period money is no object and even more so, anybody gives a shit. I suppose the scriptwriters were envisioning JD Salinger.

My wife detests the movie "Wonder Boys" and I always accuse her of being concerned that she's married Professor Tripp, the college writing instructor who's written one great, well-received novel and can't seem to write (or finish) the next, who's having repeated affairs and smokes way too much weed and is considering having a fling with the undergrad (played by Katie Holmes) who rents a room in his house. Although I question whether any editors (in this case a bi-sexual, drug-addled loser played by Robert Downey, Jr) would be pursuing Tripp's next novel when they've got agents dumping manuscripts on their desk every day, I do find that at least Professor Tripp's life and lifestyle to be vaguely recognizable as one more typical of a writer's.

And so, now that I've gone off on movie tangents for a moment, what's my point?

I like writing novels. I like getting them published. I understand that my experiences aren't necessarily across-the-board, but here's what I THOUGHT it would be like, and here's what REALLY happened. Your mileage may vary.

Fantasy: I would make a good chunk of money and be able to quit my day job.

Reality: My first published novel had $0 for an advance. The next two had advances of $1500. These were probably lower than average, but average is apparently reported to be $5000, so whoo-hooo, I hope your dayjob really sucks, otherwise, writing novels isn't going to replace it. I spent more money on promotion that I made on the books, and I had foreign sales thrown in.

Fantasy: I would be recognized as a novelist, a sort of quasi-celebrity, at least in my hometown.

Reality: Mark who? Even when I was covered in the local newspapers, nobody noticed. One person said, "Hey, I saw your write-up in the Leader?" I rather cruelly asked him if it motivated him to buy the book. He looked disconcerted. "Uh, no." "Well, I'm sure you'd enjoy it," I said.

Reality #2: My wife was recently told by someone that she was looking around to see if anyone had copies of my books they could loan her to read.

Fantasy: You will do book signings with eager fans lined up out the door.

Reality #1. Most bookstores aren't interested in doing signings UNLESS you can bring in fans that will be lined up out the door. Like John Grisham. Or Steven King. Or JK Rowling. Otherwise, you practically have to beg to do them. If there's any promotion for it, you probably did it yourself, which puts you in the hole financially. And then, people don't buy your book.

Reality #2. I did a booksigning at a mall Little Professor on the day before Valentine's Day (or VD, I don't quite remember). I started out at the desk, then started lurking in the entryway hitting up anyone who walked through the door and even talking to people hurrying past to find the florists shop, jewelry store, chocolate store, or Hallmark store. I think I sold one book.

Reality #3. A publicist lined me up to do a booksigning at a university bookstore in Detroit on a Friday afternoon in July. This was the worst possible venue at the worst possible time. Sold: zero books.

Fantasy: You'll do TV and radio interviews.

Reality: I've done some of both. They're fun. Do they sell books? Don't know. The TV interviews invariably involve you driving 2 hours to the studio, talking for 5 or 10 minutes, then driving 2 hours back home. I LOVED doing the one with Jim Hall. I did a radio/TV thing in Lansing that I felt like might have been a total waste of time. I did one last January or so that I'm not sure ever ran. Radio interviews at least can be done from your home, although they can be a little strange. Sometimes you're a 5-minutes interview on a Morning Drive program crammed in between Britney Spears tunes and ads for Jiffy Lube.

Fantasy: You'll go to writers conferences and be lauded and adored.

Reality: Your booksigning is scheduled at the same time as some international bestseller's like Mary Higgins Clark and you won't sell any books. You're there with 350 people and 100 of them are novelists all trying to sell their books. You'll sell one and be happy about it. Other writers will range from generous and friendly to paranoid, secretive and hostile. It will be exhausting. You'd be glad to spend time in the bar with other writers, but it's at a fancy hotel where smoking is allowed and a beer goes for $7, so you're broke after your second drink and there's some drunk transvestite prostitute at the bar trying to pick up a trick for the night (yeah, you think I'm joking).

Fantasy: You get to spend all day writing.

Reality: More like all day staring at your bank balance, updating your Facebook page, reading blogs, asking your agent when the royalty check will come, trying desperately to put together something that will make more money.

The point is, I guess, that what you think you want might not be, actually, what you get.

Cheers,

Mark Terry