Mark Terry

Friday, December 05, 2008

Fine, I Give...

December 5, 2008
Okay, since Erica Orloff has dubbed me the King of Optimism...

1. 2009 is your year. Each and every one of you will receive a 7-figure book advance. Even if you haven't written one.

2. Movie options? Why be happy with a 7-figure book advance when Steven Spielberg can personally fly to your house, land his chopper in your front yard, and hand over suitcases filled with cash to option your latest novel... even if you haven't written one. And he's going to direct it himself. Starring George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Tom Hanks, and Jim Carrey. And Lassie. And the dog from Frazier.

3. Foreign sales. Your agent... what, you don't have an agent yet? Hell, they're all going to be fighting to represent you. Even if you haven't written a novel. Anyway, where was I? Oh, foreign sales. Every country that has a language, even if it's not, you know, read by anyone, will publish a translation of your book, which will soar onto that country's bestseller lists. And some people in the ocean somewhere will form their own country, develop their own language, just so they can publish your book in it. Even if you haven't written it yet.

4. Audio rights, e-rights, and all other secondary rights, up to and including carving your novel's text--even if you haven't written it yet--into the side of the Cliffs of Dover for all passing ships to read.

5. Dan Brown, Stephen King and Janet Evanovich will call and beg you to blurb their next books and beg you to plug them on Oprah. Even if you haven't written your book yet.

6. Oprah? Did I say Oprah? Oprah will change the name of her magazine to your first initial. She'll change her show to your name and be YOUR co-host. She'll form an institute named after you. She'll start schools in third-world countries and name them after you. Even if you haven't written your novel yet.

7. God will rearrange the stars to the constellations to spell out the title of your book for all the universe to see. Even if you haven't written it yet.

See, 2009 is your year. So you'd better make sure your manuscript is ready on time.

Cheers,
Mark Terry
King of Optimism

12 Comments:

Blogger lainey bancroft said...

We...ll. I suppose that sounds okay, but how about a starring role in the movie, too?

7:27 AM  
Blogger Edie said...

I'm not as greedy as Lainey. I'll take it all!

7:30 AM  
Blogger Erica Orloff said...

Mark:
All Hail the King!

Wow . . . great list. Can I add that Clive Owen will fall madly in love with me? Want to star in the movie AND in my life. :-)

E

8:43 AM  
Blogger Mark Terry said...

Lainey,
Yes, yes, of course.

Edie,
Why not?

Erica,
Picky, picky. I was pretty sure David Sedaris was all lined up for you.

9:15 AM  
Anonymous Eric Mayer said...

LOL. A classic. Maybe I should start writing that novel....do I really have to do that writing part?

Oh, wait...could I have some human sacrifices as well?

9:24 AM  
Blogger Mark Terry said...

Jeez, Eric, weren't virgins enough?

10:00 AM  
Blogger Zoe Winters said...

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. It's like, it just bubbled up and festered for all this time you were secretly optimistic and it turned into mutant optimism.

10:01 AM  
Blogger Kath Calarco said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

11:46 AM  
Blogger Aimless Writer said...

From your lips to God's ears.

12:14 PM  
Blogger Erica Orloff said...

Mark:
I'll take David. You know, except for the gay thing, he's perfect for me.

E

5:37 AM  
Blogger Kath Calarco said...

Great piece! Sell it to Writer's Digest - it beats anything their staff writers do.

7:15 AM  
Blogger Travis Erwin said...

My manuscript is ready. Heck, an agent can pick any one of the five that I thought were ready when sent them out. But I'm sure is this new optimistic world they'll want every last one fo them.

And Sugar Plum Fairies are gonna fly out of my butt too.

Anyway, I appreciate your optimism but I'll settle for even the smallest of sign that I am on the right track for 2009, but of course I'd love to acquire any of the things on your list.

7:49 AM  

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