A Handy-Dandy Rejection Checklist (for Eric)

November 11, 2008

Dear Author,

There are numerous reasons why we rejected your manuscript, and knowing that you won't believe us anyway, we have elected to provide a checklist of potential reasons for your work's rejection. Feel free to select the ones YOU feel are most appropriate.

__ Your story sucks

__ Your writing sucks

__ Your main character sucks

__ You suck

__ I've already read books with identical plots 439 times today

__ I saw this character on America's Most Wanted last week

__ I saw you on America's Most Wanted last week

__ I saw your agent on America's Most Wanted last week

__ I acquired a book just like it last year and it tanked big-time

__ I acquired a book just like it last year for big bucks, it tanked big-time and that's why I'm working at this crappy publisher this year

__ I acquired a book just like it last year, it did okay, but my boss told me if I ever wasted his money on schlock like it ever again I could kiss my ass goodbye

__ I was sleeping with an author who wrote a book just like it and it ended badly

__ My dog threw up on the manuscript

__ I have room on my list for one book and it's got to be a paranormal romance about vampires

__ I've got PMS really bad and your manuscript pissed me off

__ I've got PMS really bad and your agent really pissed me off

__ I've got PMS really bad and you really pissed me off

__ I've got PMS really bad and everything really pissed me off, but you were a handy scapegoat

__ It's a total lottery, I just pick a manuscript out of the pile at random and decide to publish it and what can I say, today's not your lucky day

__ Go away, you bore me

__ You typed your manuscript in Helvetica and I hate Helvetica

__ You typed your manuscript in Times New Roman and I hate TNR

__ You typed your manuscript in Courier and I hate Courier

__ I didn't like the paper it was printed on

__ I hate authors. Go away.

__ I burned my tongue on my coffee so I rejected your manuscript

__ I had a hangover today and yours was the first manuscript I picked up

__ I had a hangover today and your was the last manuscript I picked up

__ I had a hangover today and I hate you. Go away.

__ I'd really like this job if it weren't for all you authors bugging me with your crap

__ I had sex with someone in the marketing department and I broke it off because I was afraid my wife would find out and now whenever I bring a manuscript to her, she torpedoes it

__ I wanted to have sex with someone in the marketing department, but they told me if I ever brought one of your manuscripts to them again, they'd never have sex with me

__ I wanted to have sex, but instead, I rejected your manuscript

__ I hate you. Go away.

__ I only accept manuscripts on days with an R in them

__ Too many words

__ Not enough words

__ Wrong words

__ I hate you. Go away.

__ You write like shit.

__ You are shit.

__ I feel like shit.

__ I should have gotten a degree in computer science instead of 15th Century Spanish Poetry

__ I don't make enough money to put up with your crap

__ Do you know how much a one-room flat in Manhattan costs? 

__ I hate you. Go away.