Doubting Thomas

September 12, 2006
Doubting Thomas, we are told, refused to believe that Jesus came back from the dead until he got some blood under his fingernails to prove it. The other 10 disciples, the story goes (Judas either having committed suicide by this point or he was thinking, "I am sooo screwed,"), were quite accepting of Jesus' return among them. I'm not sure what that says about the 10, actually. Either they had absolutely amazing levels of faith or they were as gullible, as say, most of the American electorate.

Anyway, I can relate to Thomas these days. I'm going through one of my periodic "I'm a talentless schmuck" episodes, where, despite having a multiple book contract, I doubt if they'll make money, I doubt if they will succeed enough to complete the contract, I doubt if anyone will like them...

Some of this has to do with a nasty review (where the reviewer basically said the book was a fine story, just too bad the guy who wrote it sucked) and a friend who read THE DEVIL'S PITCHFORK and said she liked it but...

There's always a "but" isn't there? And of course, you can pretend to shrug these things off, but they still bug you. I tend to brood on these things for a day, then get over them. Today's my brooding day, I guess. Today everybody's a better writer than I am, they have better agents, editors and publishers, write better books, get better deals, and have better careers.

Of course it's all bullshit.

It might have been John Donne who said, "Comparisons are odious," but I'm sure he did his fair share, as well.

I can't speak for all fiction writers, but I suspect I am very much NOT alone in this regard. Robert B. Parker, who after 50 books and tons of positive reviews, you would think, wouldn't take much criticism to heart, but apparently he refuses to read negative reviews--his wife censors them for him. I get the impression Rick Riordan's wife does something similar, although my impression there is he's just uninterested in the Internet thing and his wife is.

We all deal with criticism in different ways, and how we deal with it varies from day to day and week to week, and I can assure you, in my case, I don't usually let criticism bother me. I've got a pretty thick skin and hey, I've had a lot of practice ignoring criticism over the years. Hell, I worked at Henry Ford Hospital Cytogenetics Lab for 18 years--if there's one thing I'm experienced with, it's criticism. I also tend to take criticism of my writing the same way I take praise--with a great deal of skepticism. "Thanks," I said. "Thank you very much." And you say it pretty much whether it's praise or criticism, don't you? Just the tone is different.

So why am I such a doubter today?

Well, blame it on fall. Shortening days, cooler, rainier weather. Yeah, that's it. Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Or maybe it's that many things in life don't matter to me as much as my books. I want to be well-liked, even loved, respected, admired, blah, blah, blah, and I want the checks to clear (damn straight), but I understand that in areas of my nonfiction writing and my personal life, I do what I do quite well and in terms of my personal life, I'm old enough to suspect I'm doing it the only way I can. The fiction, though, that's where my heart lies in many ways, and although I try not to take things personally, I do. At least for a while. Also, as anybody who labors in the fields of fiction, plotting a career is freakin' impossible. We all seem like rudderless ships blowing before whatever wind comes along.

And besides, it's not just the recent criticism. It's the 35 or so mailings that have been returned so far with "no forwarding address" or "undeliverable as addressed" stamped on them. It's the kids returning to school and the inevitable homework returns. It's the recent payment of quarterly taxes and the gap between paychecks. It's ... well, it's life, which sometimes can get you down. Tangled up in shit, or if you prefer Bob Dylan, tangled up in blue.

As for the criticism, well, as my agent, Irene, said about the one I showed her, "Are you familiar with the expression 'bite me'?"

Best,
Mark Terry