Mark Terry

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Memoir of Hell

September 11, 2008
My son, Ian, who will be 15 next month, is working on his memoir. (I imagine it'll be short). I thought you'd like the first 3 paragraphs of what he's titled "Memoir of Hell." I've cleaned up the spelling and punctuation a bit.

*  *  *

I can describe my family in one word. Insane. My dad works out of the house. My mom works with poop and her sense of smell is shot. My brother is Mister Hyper Pants. If he could run around the world he'd be back in one second. Then he'd say, "Did you miss me?" or my personal favorite, "My new personal record--oh yeah!--I ran the Great Wall of China!" My dog, Frodo, or best known as Pudge, Idiot, Moron, Stupid, Stupid Dog, Can't Catch a Cat if it Stared him in the Face, is the dumbest dog on the planet. Then there's me, Ian, the unrational kid who won't back down.

My mom is a medtech, or as she calls it, the Lab Rat. She's the funniest person on the planet. She likes to talk about work over dinner when we're all eating. Her conversation is usually about how much she hates her co-workers and poop. Today she said she felt like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, but she wasn't looking for the Emerald City. She was looking for the Ruby Slippers and Toto, and instead of a basket she had a shotgun. You know, I can actually see that image. She's wearing a Jimmy Buffet T-shirt, black shorts, and a lab coat, no shoes, carrying around a shotgun with a look of "Get the hell out of my face." Then she would say, "I was looking for the Dead Witch... I found the munchkins instead."

My dad, on the other hand, is the opposite of Mom. He does not work with poop, thank God. He works out of the house. My brother described his job as typing on the computer and making phone calls. His office manager is our dumbest smart dog, Frodo. Lately the office manager has been shirking his job and sleeping on the couch. Sounds like something I want to do. Dad's a freelance writer. He writes about some science tech that goes in one ear and out the other of my head. He has a huge computer, it almost takes up the entire wall since he's almost blind. His eyesight is that bad. He also writes fiction. He wrote Dirty Deeds, Catfish Guru, The Devil's Pitchfork, and The Serpent's Kiss. He's a big action writer but not so famous. The Devil's Pitchfork and Serpent's Kiss are being sold in Slovakia or somewhere near there in Europe. I found that funny as hell.

Mark Terry 


Blogger Erica Orloff said...

I enjoyed that SO much! So colorful! A bidding writer with great eye for detail.

Reminds me of when Baby Girl writes about me: "My mom is crazy, but in a good way most of the time. She just can't help it. Being crazy is part of who she is. One minute we are talking about the grocery list and next thing you know, she is having a discussion of Buddha, physics, and rocket science and famous authors and black holes. She's crazy like that. Most authors are."

Don't you wonder what our kids' teachers think when they get essays and assignments like that?

6:32 AM  
Blogger Mark Terry said...

This one I think he was writing just for himself (I hope), but I could only imagine what a teacher would think of this one. My wife, in particular, kept laughing out loud, primarily because he was dissing me. And hey, I want to add, he gave Leanne credit for the Munchkin line. That's actually mine, when I said, "I went look for the Wizard and all I got were these stupid Munchkins."

6:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kids are so truthful. Sometimes a bit much. LOL Mine always wondered what I did before radios, cars, TVs,and phones were invented.


6:54 AM  
Anonymous Eric Mayer said...


Yes, he has a great future as a writer. As a publicist for writers maybe not

7:20 AM  
Blogger Mark Terry said...

Yeah, he and my wife definitely found the foreign editions hilarious (me, not so much). My wife's initial reaction: Why in hell is somebody sending you copies of books in a language you can't read!!???

7:25 AM  
Blogger spyscribbler said...

Hah! That's hilarious! "Memoir of Hell" Love that.

I know what he means when he says, "about some science tech that goes in one ear and out the other of my head." I have that same feeling when you talk about what you write about, LOL. ;-)

I think it's adorable how boys love their mothers so. And how he can't bring himself to outright call you the best writer on the planet like his mom is the funniest person on the planet, he still describes you as a "Big" action writer.

I'm pretty sure last time I looked it up, that's male teen speak for "I wouldn't ever admit it to even myself, but I think my dad rocks."

8:25 AM  
Blogger MissWrite said...

That was a wonderful look at your family Mark, tell your son he has a natural flair... oh, and nothing like the observations of youth--he's a big action writer but not so famous. hahhaha that's children for ya, they can bring you down to earth in a heartbeat.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Aimless Writer said...

Out of the mouths of babes? lol
I'm glad my kids are older now and I don't have to see my life through their eyes. Yikes!
I have two daughters. Most of the boys who come through this house are afraid of my husband. He's a big guy, hunts and doesn't talk much. When the boys ask "Doesn't your dad like me?" My kids say its okay, he's tight-lips Tommy and he's in the mob. But he's not the one you should be afraid of. My mom's crazy and spends her time figuring out how to kill people.

7:29 AM  
Anonymous beth plachta said...

Hey, Ian, great writing! I'd say you about hit the nail on the head there. Keep up the good work...but...let's just hope aunts are off limits! :-0 Hugs!
~Aunt Beth

1:34 PM  

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